[ if she had tried talking to him right after the trial she might have said something different, but now that she's had time to calm down... ]
... Maybe. But it's natural to be afraid in a situation like this. It's true that... It would have been better to speak up earlier, but... That you did it at all still matters.
Um... A lot of this is going to sound strange, but...
[ hm, it takes her a second to figure out a coherent way to explain this while conveying what she wants to convey. when she does speak, it's slow and evenly. ]
Magical girls each get their own unique powers, based on the wish that was granted to them in exchange for becoming magical girls in the first place. For Homura-chan - my best friend... She wanted to save me from... Well, from what happened to all magical girls.
And so, to make that wish possible, Homura-chan was able to go back in time. I even asked her to protect me, once. She promised that she would try as many times as it took to protect me.
And... She tried a lot of times. Over and over.
And the more times she tried, the more focused she got. Until she was letting our other friends... [ she hesitates, clearly avoiding the word 'die.' ] Get hurt, if that's what it took.
[ Madoka nods, briefly averting her gaze and not clarifying. Then moves on. ]
But Homura-chan was doing all of that for my sake, as my best friend. I... Even now, I can't say she always did what was right. And even if it was undone when she tried again, all the bad things were still real. But without all of her hard work, a lot of really good, important things couldn't have happened.
In a way, it's like this contest. When it's over, everyone is going to come back. It doesn't make it okay to hurt each other, but it also isn't permanent.
... Homura-chan did bad things, but she was still my best friend, and she had a goal that wasn't wrong. So I guess...
I wonder if your friend's wish was worth it, like that.
It's... uncanny. Uncanny, that Madoka is here, sharing this story. Uncanny, that she's here at all, reliving something this awful, more aware of the endless march of time and inevitability of death and rebirth than anyone else he's met so far.
And when she finishes, he doesn't even realize that he's crying, until the first drops hit his hands.]
But I do wonder about what it is that he wanted enough to hurt other people.
[ And to put Luke in that situation...
Madoka hesitates for a moment, not wanting to over-step, but... It's so hard to watch people suffering right in front of her. She reaches out to wipe Luke's tears with her thumbs. ]
Then it's a good thing you're still here. You could still have that wish granted.
[ . . . ]
I'm sorry. About your world, and what your wish has to be because of it. And... That your friend did something like that, even if it was for a good reason. It's... Complicated, and hard, and sad.
[ The whole concept of it all resonates with her deeply, but it's hard to put it into words, because... "I understand, and I don't think what he did was so wrong" is almost in direct conflict with "I don't think he should have done it, and you were right to tell us."
[He laughs, sudden and startling, without any humor.]
I don't know about that. [The tone is defeated, as if all the fight has already flown.] I don't even know if I'm worth it, especially now.
What makes me better than anyone else's wish, huh? Nothing. Everyone is fighting for something they care about, something they value. If I'm going to get anything, I don't want it to cost others. I don't want to give up on what I believe in.
[...]
Guy... I understand it. But I don't... I can't...
...I couldn't let him get away with it. Because of that.
If they were fair, you wouldn't need a magic wish to make it come true - you could just work hard and earn it naturally. That unfairness... Goes for who gets offered a wish, and for who gets theirs granted, too.
[ But she isn't sure what to say to the last part. She wanted to come in calm and composed and say something grounding to help him sort out his feelings, but... There isn't a simple answer to how he should feel or behave in all this. ]
With a wish like yours, I want it to come true. But I... I think that it's up to luck, too. I know that we're not very good at catching people, but it almost seems like a bigger risk to play like that than to just wait out the end of this contest.
Yeah. [He looks up, giving Madoka a twitch of a smile, tired and sad as it may be.] I'm with you. I'll keep going, and doing my best, but I'll never hurt anyone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[...]
Because I'm a... a coward.
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... Maybe. But it's natural to be afraid in a situation like this. It's true that... It would have been better to speak up earlier, but... That you did it at all still matters.
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[...]
I just kept... hoping we'd find something else. Or find a reason.
Find... anything.
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You told the truth. And I don't blame you for - not wanting to. You wanted to protect your friend.
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[his voice hesitates, nearly cracks.]
He's my best friend. He practically raised me. He's forgiven me, watched me, trusted me... he...
He...
[he trails off, falling silent, unable to find more words. Instead, he slumps.]
I'm so stupid.
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Can I tell you about my best friend? You don't have to listen if you don't want to.
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...Yeah.
Please.
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[ hm, it takes her a second to figure out a coherent way to explain this while conveying what she wants to convey. when she does speak, it's slow and evenly. ]
Magical girls each get their own unique powers, based on the wish that was granted to them in exchange for becoming magical girls in the first place. For Homura-chan - my best friend... She wanted to save me from... Well, from what happened to all magical girls.
And so, to make that wish possible, Homura-chan was able to go back in time. I even asked her to protect me, once. She promised that she would try as many times as it took to protect me.
And... She tried a lot of times. Over and over.
And the more times she tried, the more focused she got. Until she was letting our other friends... [ she hesitates, clearly avoiding the word 'die.' ] Get hurt, if that's what it took.
[ she pauses ]
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When Madoka stops, he's still hanging on her every word, staring at her with a child-like focus.]
...Get hurt.
[He nods, once, waiting with bated breath.]
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But Homura-chan was doing all of that for my sake, as my best friend. I... Even now, I can't say she always did what was right. And even if it was undone when she tried again, all the bad things were still real. But without all of her hard work, a lot of really good, important things couldn't have happened.
In a way, it's like this contest. When it's over, everyone is going to come back. It doesn't make it okay to hurt each other, but it also isn't permanent.
... Homura-chan did bad things, but she was still my best friend, and she had a goal that wasn't wrong. So I guess...
I wonder if your friend's wish was worth it, like that.
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It's... uncanny. Uncanny, that Madoka is here, sharing this story. Uncanny, that she's here at all, reliving something this awful, more aware of the endless march of time and inevitability of death and rebirth than anyone else he's met so far.
And when she finishes, he doesn't even realize that he's crying, until the first drops hit his hands.]
His wish...?
[Despite the tears, his voice is even, normal.]
I know what it is.
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But I do wonder about what it is that he wanted enough to hurt other people.
[ And to put Luke in that situation...
Madoka hesitates for a moment, not wanting to over-step, but... It's so hard to watch people suffering right in front of her. She reaches out to wipe Luke's tears with her thumbs. ]
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I know what it is, because it's the same as mine.
He wants me to come back home. To live.
[...]
Madoka... in my world, I'm dead—really dead, not temporary. Guy... he doesn't have any powers like your friend... but I think...
...I think he saw this as his last chance.
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[ . . . ]
I'm sorry. About your world, and what your wish has to be because of it. And... That your friend did something like that, even if it was for a good reason. It's... Complicated, and hard, and sad.
[ The whole concept of it all resonates with her deeply, but it's hard to put it into words, because... "I understand, and I don't think what he did was so wrong" is almost in direct conflict with "I don't think he should have done it, and you were right to tell us."
But she believes both, fully. ]
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I don't know about that. [The tone is defeated, as if all the fight has already flown.] I don't even know if I'm worth it, especially now.
What makes me better than anyone else's wish, huh? Nothing. Everyone is fighting for something they care about, something they value. If I'm going to get anything, I don't want it to cost others. I don't want to give up on what I believe in.
[...]
Guy... I understand it. But I don't... I can't...
...I couldn't let him get away with it. Because of that.
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If they were fair, you wouldn't need a magic wish to make it come true - you could just work hard and earn it naturally. That unfairness... Goes for who gets offered a wish, and for who gets theirs granted, too.
[ But she isn't sure what to say to the last part. She wanted to come in calm and composed and say something grounding to help him sort out his feelings, but... There isn't a simple answer to how he should feel or behave in all this. ]
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[It's not bitter, just reflective—and he's strangely calm, talking about it.]
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[ all of life is just as unfair, after all. ]
... If you're dead, what is it that you can do to fix that without a miracle?
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[He shrugs, with an exhale.]
Make the most of my last few weeks, or at least, make the most of my time until someone decides I'm weak enough to pull a Guy on me.
[...]
I think if I win... it'll just be luck. I'm starting to think that's all there is to this.
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[ This is complicated. ]
With a wish like yours, I want it to come true. But I... I think that it's up to luck, too. I know that we're not very good at catching people, but it almost seems like a bigger risk to play like that than to just wait out the end of this contest.
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[he'd just been talking to Zoe about it.]
...It's hard to believe anyone actually went for the death option. Even if it's... kind of set up for that.
[the trials. the curfew. everything.]
I just want to keep doing it my way. Win or lose. I think I'll be happy with the results, then, no matter what.
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[ but. ]
That doesn't mean that you have to give in to that. You, and me, and a bunch of other people can still play this contest differently.
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[...]
Maybe the gods can learn from that.